Im a survivor. I try not to belittle. Says I am a know it all and have too many opinions.He does revenge for things I didnt try to do. Hey Welcome Cheryl and good job surviving the hell you were raised in, it is tough when we end up having to parent ourselves. Get strong. Are you safe? The narcissist's inability to act conscientiously in a relationship illuminates his or her lack of empathy. We would have conversations and he would tell me that I need a spanking, o no. Im still trying to re-do the past with him and I still try to point things out that he said and did and I still try to explain my behaviors to his abusive remarks and all to no avail. I know where this comes from, even knowing this it hasnt changed a thing. #45&46, Hi Tanya. Moved in with me and 6 months later started choking me, beating me, humiliating and belittling. I am all ears for any suggestions, because right now its hard to sayits o.k. Typical forms of narcissistic supply include sex, power, control, one-sided relationships with no accountability, compliments, subservience, obedience, admiration, and other requirements unique. its just not final as in annuled. I could snap once that is say one sentence cos I was really upset about something and he would use it as an excuse to storm off, knowing full well that i say my piece and then carry on with my life. Absolute hell. Remember its ok to be alone and in these cases its better to be alone. You had just gotten your tax return, which was plenty to cover the debt but when I asked you why you didnt use that, you said because you wanted to have money in the bank. You need to say that he will need to pay the excess or you will be forced to contact his work (parents) about the claim requesting that the excess be paid out of his pay. Thats how they have consequences. Leopards never change their spots, they just get darker and he is up to all his old tricks and then some. I did not understand how I was allowing others to have such unhealthy control over me. Giving him boundaries didnt help him and made him feel more alone. I worked with a woman who had NPD. I have not entered a relationship yet until I am convinced hes relationship material. The majority of them do not change. So unless youve got some ideas I dont know what to do except to talk to our doctor and see if they have any ideas that might help., I cant be late for work again and so I am sorry I cant drop you off today., I dont know how to handle you when you get so angry at me, and so from now on I am going to need to get someone who knows know how to handle angry people (the police?) There is something in all of the above in my husband.Actually lots! )0: he is travelling so often, it is always possible to lead me on! I loved him so much and I am still involved with him to an extent as we share property and pets. Have much to learn! He wanted to stay but I was too difficult to live with. My husband and I have been married for quite some time now. I see our old marriage counselor for trauma therapy and he said he feels my husband has anti-social personality disorder with narciccistic traits. If they owe you money, hire a debt collector (if you need to) and step away from the adversarial role and let someone else do the dirty work. so weve come to a better situation, but there is still alot to do. But that makes it no less hurtful and no less difficult to accept how she simply trashed our hopes and dreams together. What I am suggesting here is not about reasoning but action. He has money in his name too so its fair. The call the police one didnt work for me. You laid the facts straight out down the line without a hint of self-pity or confusion about your rights as an individual, or as a mother. My head understands that his efforts and love were nothing but manipulation. Leverage: "There must be a meaningful consequence to bring the narcissist into therapy, like the fear of losing a loved one who has 'had it,' the threat of losing their job, or their status." 2. What i do is speak to the child in him at that point. Im at a loss. I am Liberal thinking person and positive too until I get around her and her negativity!She is constantly pointing out my shortcoming while I reserve my feelings about her shortcomings.. its as if she is talking me out of our relationship! In Kim & Steves ebook Back From The Looking Glass there are several examples of how to accomplish this. Also, since it is getting harder to jack with mehe is moving on to our 13 year old daughter. I have never loved nor despised a man as much as my n I was told that Your friends have told me you have drinking issues and you are not in control and Im worried about you This was said in a romantic restaurant in central London so Sandy stormed out and ran away.. (storm no 1) Then I was told that Im not conforming and I should accept him for who he is and was immediately slighted for not complying to his needs Storm no 2 On this one he persuaded me into the car and verbally abused me for an hour whilst locking me into the car Ive had telephone calls at the middle of the night for 3 hours with him trying to explain his point of view because I just dont get it Its a sad thing being codependent but Im now aware of my upbringing and why I always look for men to approve me. He was charged with a felony crime for impeding my breath. However if they perceive that they do not need you to feel secure and happy you had better find a way to get out quickly because they have no incentive to check their behaviour. To all those good people out there, keep looking for the help you need, get a good support team around you and as my brother says to me, Take a cement pill and harden up He wasnt being unkind, just realistic. When Matt has consequences, he uses the boys against me. You need to write a clear account of his behaviour that is concerning you from the perspective of him as a patient. Be bold be smart be loving be caring be humble and then if he fails to respond positively Id say there is a problem, he may be preoccupied with something he cant talk to you about could be some issue at work or family, he could be bullied at work but doesnt see it as bullying. Hi Kim It is very important that you put all of the steps in Back From the Looking Glass in place. He is unwilling to change I have tried to work it our for my kids sake hes a good dad Just a lousy husband or even friend to me and I will be the bad guy if I divorce him because no one sees it or wants to. I could never imagine that the sweet kind generous woman I promised to love for the rest of my life, could be so deliberately hurtful, so callous and full of spite and disregard for my feelings. Pain can result in a person becoming angry or irrational and acting out. Kim & Steve have a blog page titled Because I Love You-Im Learning To Say No. You then asked me to lend you another $400.00 so you could buy Christmas presents. As of last night (all through text because he wont communicate these days any other way), I said I cant drag my daughter through this anymore. It is so difficult not to become bitter. Anyones behaviour can seem selfish, irresponsible and mean if it isnt what the other person thinks it should be. Saying he never wanted it to begin with! Me feeling of hurt on emotionally not feeling special. So I became the breadwinner but still worked from home where I could monitor and also protect him. Well I read almost everyones comments and I am glad I am not alone. Thanks Kim. Knowing you got paid in the mean time and you lied straight in my face and told me yeah I bought her the doll she wanted Then when I talked to your ex-wife wishing your daughter a happy birthday asking if she liked the present you sent her. You have given so much to him you have to give back to yourself now so you can heal. I have been married 36 years and most of my married life has been filled with sadness and anger. In my case, the steps I implemented helped me face my co-dpendency and make strides to getting out of it fairly quickly. I really think that Kim & Steves ebooks Back From The Looking Glass and The Love Safety Net Workbooks would benefit you, even with the separation. He wont make her happy she will be sad feel unloved and insecure with such a guy. When your second daughters birthday came, keeping in mind again she is 9, a week later, I asked you if you bought her something. There is no helping these Nar people, you can only preserve your own sanity, be strong and protect yourself. This morning I get this txt from him The only one who is going to take care of you or really cares how your life turns out is you! As long as we feel the need for validation from them, we are still in that trap of hoping for real emotions and caring from these people, and there is nonejust more manipulation for their own gratification. My heart breaks wide-open again because I am not sure what he is trying! It is a lesson that no one needs to learn through experience when they can simply and with much less emotional and spiritual costs, avoid EVER having to confront. He is like a King on a throne with many wives. Do I love him the answer will always be yes. Somehow, we r having a long distance relation now, that makes it even more difficult to manage. He abandons almost daily conversations/e mails/helping me. When I was looking for it and asked you, you said you didnt see it. He was a wonderful, handsome man. He is well known in Our small community. I ask myself, how can I love a person so cruel? But how can I do it . While I was asleep, got my phone and synced with it taking all of my photos my phone showed that his phone synced to mine at 3:53 a.m. And he took things of mine and continued to invade my privacy until suddenly woke at 5:30 and saw him standing at the foot of my bed!!! I really was obsessed about his cheating. The promise was that if at some point either of us move on and leave, we need to let the other person know becomes it significant impacts my daughter who loves this man like her own father, and is the only father she has ever really known. thanks!! A prolific multi-media content innovator, Kim has created and shared a library of articles and multi-media educational tools including radio shows, I still cant bring myself to hate her, because I understand how her having this problem is probably not her own doing but that of her parent/s.. This was my effort at not throwing in the towel b/c i just dont believe all Narcs are useless to society. He mixes prescription meds and alcohol and is a walking time bomb. He calls me stupid bitch and screams in my face. Naturally being codependent I resolved that one and pretended all was fine but felt deeply hurt. It will put all of these blog pages, information, and the events and/or what is happening within your life into a healthier perspective. Do you think Looking Glass will help me at this juncture, or just bring me back to trying to solve this with someone that isnt interested in solving it and is now attached (however temporary that may be) to someone else? It is the hardest thing in the world to accept that the person we love is just not capable of loving. I dont know what the problem was that you entered counselling about but if he is truly sorry he will accept the new rules of engagement. Clever eh. It was only recently when trying to find out if the man I love is a pathological liar or not, that I tripped upon information on narcissism. Mine has just finished with me saying that he cannot deal with my mood swings. I did go to counseling but he wouldnt go, after cancer treatment, diagnosis, physical abuse,life of pornography and affairs. ago and it has been very helpful in the way I react when I do not get defensive and criticize back it helps so much. Required fields are marked *. Leaving a narcissist doesn't end with simply physically leaving, packing up your belongings, and building a new life. (it had worked in the past and thought that as we were married, we would work through it). I pray my own daughter never marry a man like. In the end, I regret trying to make him feel consequences. I love him, I love my daughter and need to protect her, and I know there is a good man in therebut as long as he sits on both sides of the fence, we will continue to long for the real family that he is not sure he wants to be. Forget Counselling..these people are great liars..I got Kims books..they do work. I didnt say a word. This is often referred to as "love bombing." In this Narcissistic form of social justice, holding personal accountability as an activist, is viewed as an automatic, one-down position, where the oppressor has "won". I collected me from work, he cooked for me, he gave me massages and we enjoyed many interests together. I moved to Minnesota to help her because she is 70 now and had rotator cuff surgery. You will find loads of advice and support in the articles here and also my ebooks (-: Thank you for your article. I am (was) like a mother superior to him and thats not very sexy!!! Why do we struggle with the concept of inalienable rights? It is not wrong to use this survival skill, everyone benefits and it is to ensure your own safety. Everything is subtle. There is ni ither oersi that I livf ir havr lived like i li e him,but i cant find a safe place. I can be just who I plan to be. Everyone makes choices, let them be formed by their consequences. Being involved/loving a highly Narcissistic person is the most draining, devestating rape of your life, soul, family, work, financials etc. Then if your warning has no effect, step out of the way and let life teach them the lesson they have coming. I feel it is OK to set the boundry that he needs to decide what he wants or I will have to make decisions on my Own. They Want to Get Noticed Together. Only within the last couple of years did I start studying manipulation techniques for something unrelated. I did this wrong more than once before, I wanted to leave him four times already out of anger, out of fear and just in the heat of the moment, when we were arguing. If you want to reconnect with him and hes willing, its is going to take more work on your part than you ever imagined anybody should do for another. Refusing to challenge a narcissist's opinion helps you avoid the risk of being attacked. Is there a point when I can tell, he has decided he does not want to get better and is not planning to do so? I dont want to walk away but he is pushing me away so far and I just wonder how you all find the strength to continue the dance during times like that. I did fall into withdrawing from him when it started to fail and now recognize that this may have been due to my own inability to love/TRUSTand my way of trying to yield a different result (aka control?) One has treatable BIpolar the other ver narcissistic personality traits. I do mean literally do anything to not be found out. When getting orders for your second deployment you told me that you didnt feel it would be ok for you to pay for your part of the car payment if you were not going to drive it. I DID however, make the mistake Kim mentioned. And even more so, that he couldnt help me to get over it in any way, just in the contrary, he tried (and still tries) to belittle my concerns and even stir them up again and again to lower his own bad feelings about it. So nice to get your response and timely! It is a freaking living nightmare. I just got served with a baseless lawsuit by him and now have to find a pro bono attorney as I have no money but with his slick attorney ways, he will someone win even though CPS has said he cant see the kids unsupervised but the courts are allowing him to file suit for custody?? Hi Carol Welcome! Thanks you! I dont want them to be the victim or the perpetrator. He knows we will have seperate accounts from this point forward, but I dont think he really believes it. He resented me for ever requesting counseling or that I expected him to continue to keep his word. I have been working on our attachment and his security to me before I say anything. He remains unaccountable for everything and so much more. I just asked him via text after four years of love and devotion is he willing to give it all up for one moment of truth? 1. You know that he will blow up and make a scene about this so be prepared. Many narcissists lack self-awareness, so they may try to push you to the wall until they find out what they can get away with. I appreciate your indepth understanding, and drive to help others. I also know I hang onto him, at least by calling his answering machine almost every night once or twice because when I hear his voice mail greeting, I remember the good times between us, which were years ago and I dont have any replacements. they must be CAPABLE of honouring, respecting, cherishing, loving, being loyal, protective and mature etc.. I dont know how to get passed this hurdle, but I am willing to try because deep down, I believe he is a good man. As my counselor said, he wont change, but as I change he will either adjust or leave. Unfortunately he died 2 years ago. Some of us need to consider that while we are suffering for days months and yrs..that our health is also suffering from stress. He was physical abuseive at times and pretending he did nothing or I lied or to blame me really messes my self worth up. I knew him for 6 years. Weve been together 7 years. Take care I find the advise you offer well intentioned but in my situation my relationship is over. He will do anything to keep his fear a secret. My eldest is 15 and is still watched getting on and off the school bus!! Why? A narcissist knows how to turn on the charm when they need to. No wonder I could not communicate with my husband! and yet, he BLAMES ME and texted me just the other day about how hurt and angry he is. You also need to let him know that if he damages anything of yours again you will go straight to the police. Women, for instance, go back to their abuser an average of seven times, even if she was the one who initiated the termination. Hey Kim! I said you dont have to pretend or lie anymore to anyone because I will speak for you and I will give you a chance to get the rest you need. I knew something was wrong, but I was so accustomed to allowing people to disregard and abuse me that I did give it the attention it deserved. here to come and talk to you when you get angry. And we are a wealthy family! I cant redo what happened between us and he has no interest at all in making any changes in himself and obviously hes not interested in me anymore and Im wasting my time by trying. I was!!! I was disappointed however, and stuck in my own issues, feeling like I gave and gave and wasnt getting much in the last couple of months we were living together. I dont have another day to waste with him. Our finances are seperated and always have been but he has been borrowing money from me several times and is paying it back in monthly payments. To me, there is no other explanation. Obviously, it does nothing and never has. You may need to do some detective work on this and bring that out into the open. Thanks Kim.Unfortunately in my sad little world at the age of 51 I dont have any access to money.I rely on my husband totally.I dont even have a bank acc.Unbelevable I know!I met him when I was 15 and never went onto study.I finished high school,did some courses and did work until I had my children.I was lucky to b a stay at home mom.I did work here and there and when the children left home I did have a job at an animal shelter.I left and went to care in the UK and that was absolutely diasasterous for my marriage.He had women in my home and lived the life of a bachelor.Since then I have not worked.I live in a small town and work is really hard to come by.Also I wld have to use his car which he constantly threatens me with.At my age I have no confidence because I am constantly told how thick and stupid I am.I do all my own housework,cooking and so forth.Also every job Ive had hes accused me of having affairs with someone.I dont want to come across as the victim here but thats how it is.My husband has his own business of which I know nothing abt because he says it has nothing to do with me.I have tried to push the issue and get involved but to no avail.So yes,I wld love to purchase ur books but sadly cant,thats why I go online and try and read all I can wherever.Thanks for your time. So why not work on this relationship now that I can him for what he really is, instead of waiting another 4 years to find out I am just now seeing the same traits in someone new? I am sharing this with love to all none NPD and NPD sufferes out there. He has no remorse for anything he does or says; he has declared many many times that he is never sorry because he is never wrong he says what he feels and does whatever he wants with no regard to anyone elses feelings, ever. You shouldnt be angry or vindictive and instead say something like, I am sorry I didnt do this sooner because it is obvious that you need to learn that this is wrong. 3. Im going out for a sandwich and coffee. Keep the love flames going and learn to forget the past. If you ever disagree with a narcissist, want something different, or challenge them in any way, expect a word salad. We have to understand, explain, and educate ourselves on what is actually happening, not just the repeated symptoms. Granted he has almost destroyed me mentally but Physically no. Narcissists thrive on conflict. Rejection. (5) he is slandering mehe makes up stuff thats not true and he decides its fact-he maintains that I have cheated on him, tells me daily(I have seen him text that to his parentsso he is spreading lies about me. Hi all, First time Ive contributed to this blog and wanted to get more info on Because I loved him I needed to say no. Forget any type of petty revenge you may be plotting; malignant narcissists see all of your emotional responses to them (whether positive or negative) as attention, and they live for that shit. Or, maybe its just that this network isnt designed for the marriage that has already fallen apart? Here's why a narcissist may cry when someone dies: Attention - to shift the spotlight of the whole event onto them and claim as much of the focus as possible. All of the blaming, name-calling, lying, deflecting, financial abuse is worse. I want to convey acceptance in this new activity which is actually appropriate but is not leaving time for us or home responsibilities. I didnt have a name for it until a few months ago I just called it The Wall. I agree with all of this content. I think its a positive sign that yours hasnt latched onto someone else. Its always been his way or no way but I have been the bread winner for a very long time while he plays all the time and so with this it has given me strength to not let him bully me into anything i stand firm.

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