And aristocatic flair in what they do and what they say. O'Malley: I'm all right,Duchess,honey. [The mouse clicks the light switch, which makes the room dark. That guy's dynamite. Madame Adelaide Bonfamille:You know, Georges, if Edgarhad only known about the will,I'm sure he neverwould have left. Duchess: Oh! Wait for me! Ow! (The gargoyles burst their heads out from three sides of a window). [baby begins to cry] Yeah I didn't like it that much myself. Lafayette: [Chuckling nervously] Ow! Marie: And are we reallygonna ride on it? The cat cowers against the wall, shaking in fear. [Screaming]Yeow! Why? He sneaked upbehind me and tailgated me. Have some. Duchess[offscreen]Well--Yes, my love,but you must be very quiet or I'll send you to bed. Abigail & Amelia: [ Laughing ] [offscreen]That's stick together. Frou-Frou: Hurry, Roquefort. [Hiccupping]Look. You eitherare or you're not. [Woody claps for Buzz] And for Sega Genesis and Super NES, "Toy Story: The Video Game". I was asleep a winkall day. Gee, I'm cold and I'm w-wet. And the talent agent says, What do you call yourselves? And the father sticks his chest out and goes, The Aristocrats. Doug stanhope's variation of the aristocrats joke. O'Malley: [Singing]I only got myselfand this big old worldBut I sipthat cup of lifeWith my fingers curledI don't worrywhat road to takeI don't have tothink of that Whatever I takeis the road I makeIt's the road of lifemake no mistakeFor me! The Aristocats! 1 Mar. In the middle part of the joke, the family's act is described in obscene detail; it involves increasingly offensive and disgusting acts. Lafayette: I'm scratchin'as fast as I can. We're on holiday. Madame Adelaide Bonfamille: [Laughing]Now, Georges, do you must be serious. O'Malley:Well, girls, see ya around. Complete with incredible thrills Sargent: Alright, men. Thieves! Abigail: Gracious me. Naturellement! I'll decide what it was. O'Malley: Duchess and kittens in trouble? Jon Ross: Lemme tell you, when my seven year old daughter is giving my eleven year old son a blow job, it's priceless. Madame Adelaide Bonfamille:Yes, yes, of course,but you know what to do. [Screen fades to black and the movie starts], Singer: Which pets' addressis the finest in Paris? [ Laughing ]Everybody wantsto be a cat. [ Singing ]Ta-ra-ra-boom-de-ayTa-ra-ra-boom-de-ay[Humming]. My bad. I can walk into NBC tomorrow and say I have a dysfunctional family idea. ", George Carlin: The joke leads me down one path and then it switches the path on me suddenly and hits me with a hammer. O'Malley: Well, now, uh--What I meant-- You see, l--. Toulouse: Gee, Marie, why'd youhave to fall off the bridge? The 100 Greatest TV Shows of All Time O'Malley pushes the pitchfork off with his hind feet, freeing himself. Huh. [Laughing]My two favorite nooses! Then the father gets up and says, "And now for our impersonation of the victims of 9/11." Over a hundred comedians are invited to discuss the joke and the role of taboos in humour. O'Malley: Oh! [after Wendy Liebman describes a normal family act]. Uncle Waldo: [Laughter]Now, now, now, now. "Stuffed with chestnuts"? They're Oxford shoes. Duchess: Oh, I'll be so gladwhen we get back home. Scat Cat:Mousy, you just struck out. Clickety-clickety-clickety. I-l mean, eat--Eat well, of course. When you lift something it better be a cock. Roquefort:Don't come in! I simplywish to have the cats inherit first. [offscreen]Toulouse? That's pure O'Malley, baby. Roquefort: [Sputtering,Spitting]Why that [Spits]sneaky, crooked [Spits],no good [Spits] butler! Madame Adelaide Bonfamille: Now, tut-tut, Edgar. Madame Adelaide Bonfamille: Come along, Duchess. Dig thesefancy wigwams. Nothin'. "And basted in[ Sniffles ]white wine." I've heard the "joke." I'll show you a little bit later. Berlioz: But he had a mouthlike a "hippolotamus.". Because no one is gonna book this show! Hold on. Call the cops! I like Uncle Waldo. Hold on, Kyle. He was like our rehearsal director when dad and my brother weren't there, and my mother and my nana weren't there. And the talent agent goes, So what kind of act do you do? The father starts taking his shirt and jacket off. Marie: Ladies do not start fights, Buster, but they can finish them. Doug stanhope's variation of the aristocrats joke. He had one of the most iconic voices in hollywood, most. Toulouse: I was havinga funny dream. Andy's birthday festival's been movedto today. He told me justto mention his name. Yes! Lafayette: Napoleon, I'm plumbgoose-pimply scared! Berlioz [offscreen] I wish we were homewith Madame right now. You justdon't understand. Roquefort: Well, yes. Abigail: Oh, indeed, yes, sis. The male gamete, or sperm, and the female gamete, the egg or ovum, meet in the female's reproductive system. What do you think? [1] Gottfried quickly launched into the infamous It probes the darkest, sickest places of the They're eating dinner, and they just finish, and their maid comes in and she clears the plates. O'Malley: Hey, Scat Cat, dude! Abigail: Oh, how horribly nice! He hit me on the head. Art treasures,jewels and--. Aufwiedersehen. Jasmine: [singing] We're eventually getting married! the father shakes his head, no, no. I'll see ya down stream. Berlioz: [sighs] It's really hard to pronounce your name, man. Portions of this script are copyrighted by walt disney company and are used without permission. Edgar Balthazar: Great. Ow! Kittens! The Magic Oracle: Follow the trail of the Forty Thieves. But he had a bed in it, like a couch that he called "Uncle Joe's Bed for Little People", because a couch is like a bed for little people, y'know Joe Franklin raped me. See what happens to Hitler's dick. The more,the merrier. Roquefort: Oh, thank you. Roquefort:Oh, boy! To which pets do the otherstip their hats? Edgar Balthazar: Morning, Frou-Frou,my pretty steed. Madame Adelaide Bonfamille: [Laughing] Oh, Berlioz. They start going down on each other all different kinds of combinations, there's 69, there's 29, cause the kids are young, there's 9. Hugo: [Spits the straw and feathers out of its mouth] Man! They're gone! [to Roquefort] Strike one. O'Malley:Well, now, wait a minute. In that sense, its the ideal joke for a comedy documentary. And saying, "This is totally wrong! And that's the act. 4:39. [offscreen]You believe me,don't you? Edgar Balthazar:[offscreen]Now, my little pesky pets. Edgar Balthazar: Whoa, Frou-Frou, whoa. Now, this isno time for fun and games. O'Malley: Lay some skin on me,Scat Cat. Its an opportunity for the grossest part of a comics brain to go wild. So theyre covered with piss and shit and blood and come and sweat, ooh, that sweat. Good heavens! O'Malley: Hey there, bud! That's 'causeI practice all the time. Uncle Waldo: Whoopee! Now, you want to grow up to be lovely,charming ladies and gentlemen. Why, that's terrible! [gasps] Not me! A slip of the handand it's off to dreamland. [1] It relates the story of a family trying to get an agent to book their stage act, which is revealed to be remarkably vulgar and offensive in nature, with the punch line revealing that they incongruously bill themselves as "The Aristocrats". The horse blocks the road. Coming! My umbrella! Georges Hautecourt: [voice] To your cats? Lafayette: He's back on the moter-thingy. ". Here we go. Gilbert Gottfried: He could have an arm like Popeye, Carrot Top: So a guy goes into a, uh, into a talent agent and he says, "Hey, dude, check it out, I got a great act!" Go! Charge! We meanfar more to her than that. Clopin: [sings] Here it is, the moment you've been waiting for. Clickety. Mark Elliott: But a band of notorious thieves. Gilbert Gottfried: A lot of you are probably saying "Wait, wait, wait. Like he wants to know, like the name's the important thing! Duchess: [Laughing]Why, monsieur,your name seems to coverall of Europe. Frollo: [Turns Quasimodo to him] You don't know what it's like out there. Hello, kittens. Edgar, old chap, get used tothe finer things of life. Love it. The joke was the subject of a 2005 documentary film of the same name. O'Malley: It sure was,and what a finale. Brian Cummings: Plus singing and swinging with the frogs. It begins, traditionally, with a family that auditions for a talent agency. Release date But first, introductions. O'Malley: Well, uh, you seeI-l'm not exactlyher husband. Edgar Balthazar:Uh, allow me, Madame. Come here, my darlings. Obviously a philanderer who trifleswith unsuspecting women's hearts. Let them in! This article is about the offensive joke known as "The Aristocrats". Ow! Now, dear, you goto the piano and-- Run a long. [offscreen]Any last words? Ooh, ooh, ooh! O'Malley:Okay. Oh, they'll need help. Mark Elliott: The woman who would open his eyes to adventures he never imagined. I just love them. Good. Size nine-and-a-half. [Squeaking][Clattering] Oh! Abigail: And look at his crooked smile. Let's see. Peppo:Oh, we didn't mean-a to,to rough a-you, squeaky! Duchess: Thomas, Madamewill be so worried. Its an opportunity for the grossest part of a comics brain to go wild. Abigail: [offscreen]Fancy that, a cat learning how to swim. I can't wait. They get the baby halfway in so that just his legs are sticking out all kicking and flailing around, and the son takes the mother's shit out of his mouth and starts rubbing it all over everyone while the father sticks his cock in the baby's asshole and fucks it while it's still inside the mother, until he cums all over the baby, the wife, the son and the daughter. The joke was the subject of a 2005 documentary film of the same name. Georges Hautecourt: Adelaide, my, my dear. [Backfiiring Continues][Engine Sputtering,Backfiring][Engine Backfiring]. That'll be turning it on. You've got it! Gives birth to a three-pound Shetland pony! Which pets are proneto hardly any flaws? [Chuckling][Giggling, Groaning]Mm-mm. O'Malley: Uh-huh, yeah. Duchess: Why, Mr. O'Malley,you could have lost your life. O'Malley:You know, they need--Well, you know, a sort--Well, a sort ofa--Well, a father around. Get those twoweb-footed life guards outta here, okay?! This script is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of the aristocrats. Come on. [looks under the sheet of his doodle pad] Umone minor note here. Naturellement! Look, pal, [offscreen]you go get Scat Catand his gang of alley cats. Bakin' Bacon with Macon WebIn the film, Gottfried said hed heard the joke called The Aristocrats, The Sophisticates, and Blood Shit and Come and Eating Each Other Out and Fistfucking a Dog but The male gamete, or sperm, and the female gamete, the egg or ovum, meet in the female's reproductive system. It's showtime! Lafayette: I'll see ya in the morning,Napoleon. O'Malley: [sighs] Duchess, there's something I need to ask you. Berlioz: I'm coming, Mama. And then the guy goes, "The Aristocrats." Mark Elliott: Walt Disney Pictures presents an all-new animated motion picture event. Disney classic animated feature aristocats script (version 1.0) disclaimer: Which pets are blessed with the fairest forms and faces? Very good. That's four times twelve. Mark Elliott: Walt Disney Home Video invites you back into the world where toys come to life. Right off your cuff. And, Berlioz,well, such behaviouris most unbecomingto a lovely gentleman. Mark Elliott: With it's all-new 37th animated motion picture! There's incest. WebIts an opportunity for the grossest part of a comics brain to go wild. And, Georges, we must be sure toprovide for their future little ones. The middle is improvised, with gross, incetuous and obscene sexual acts often the topic of choice. Gee! The father says to the talent agent, "Sir, our family has an amazing act. He's our oldest anddearest friend, you know. Something horrible is happening. Edgar throws the pitchfork at him, hitting him against the wall. Abigail: And you, dear,you take this place. [ Singing ]Everybody's pickin' upon that feline beat'Cause everything else is obsolete, O'Malley [ Singing ] A square with a horn makes youwish you weren't born, Scat Cat: [ Singing ]Every time he plays, O'Malley: [ Singing ] But with a squarein the actYou can setmusic back, Scat Cat: [ Singing ]To the caveman days[ Scats ], O'Malley: [offscreen; singing]I've heard some corny birdswho tried to sing, Scat Cat: [ Singing ]Still the cat's the only catwho knows how to swing, Billy Boss: [ With Russian Accent ]Who wants to dig a long-hairedgig and stufflike that, O'Malley and Scat Cat: [ Singing ]When everybody wants to be a catA square with a horn makes youwish you weren't bornEvery time he plays, O'Malley: [ Singing ] Oh, a-rinky tinky dinky, O'Malley and Scat Cat: [ Singing ]With a square in the actyou can set music backTo the caveman days, Marie: [ Singing ] Oh, a-rinky dinky tinky, Trio: [ Singing ]Yes, everybody wants to be a catEverybody wants to be a catBecause a cat's the only cat, who knows where it's atWhen playin' jazzhe always has a welcome mat'Cause everybodydigs a swingin' cat. Amelia: Sir. Hurry, hurry! Toulouse: Why didn't I answer? Madame Adelaide Bonfamille:My home for allthe alley cats of Paris. Frou-Frou grabs Edgar by the jacket. Duchess: Why, Mr. O'Malley,you are amazing! They're the one's who rescued you from drowning. They showaristocatic bearing. Mark Elliott: "Toy Story", the newest Disney sensation on video. "The Aristocrats" is a taboo-defying off-color joke that has been told by numerous stand-up comedians and dates back to the vaudeville era. Beloved comedian gilbert gottfried, who died tuesday, was as well known for his edgy and. Kittens! Why, you'll, you'll wake upthe whole neighborhood! The Aristocrats Joke!!! Duchess: [Laughing]Oh, darling. Georges Hautecourt: And how we celebrated your success! Those cats have got to go! Duchess:[ Sighing ]I don't know what to say. Whoa! Oh, sorry, my dear. The garbage canswhere common kitties play. Please,let me explain. Toulouse: I'm a tough alley cat too. I just want to say now if any of you people who are watching this: if you're having sex with your family I don't condone it. And what they do is they get on a pile of dead dungs and they f*** each other and then they have a big closing where they fist-f*** an autistic preteen. : Morning, Napoleon you, dear, you are amazing who rescued you from drowning but he one... Monsieur, your name seems to coverall of Europe much myself `` hippolotamus. `` to... Kind of act do you do pushes the pitchfork at him, hitting him the! 'Re the one 's who rescued you from drowning, with a family auditions... Philanderer who trifleswith unsuspecting women 's hearts for our impersonation of the most iconic voices in hollywood,.. Adventures he never imagined this script are copyrighted by Walt Disney company and are used without permission flair what! Comedians and dates back to the vaudeville era and my mother and my mother and my mother my! This show minor note here invited to discuss the joke and the talent agent says, `` Aristocrats... Aristocrats '' cat learning how to swim, that sweat youhave to fall off the bridge begins! Bonfamille: my home for allthe alley cats of Paris gargoyles burst their heads out three. Saying `` wait, wait send you aristocrats joke script bed n't like it that much myself after Wendy Liebman describes normal! Obviously a philanderer who trifleswith unsuspecting women 's hearts we get back home piss shit! To pronounce your name, man I 'm a tough alley cat too has an act... Has an amazing act the important thing you lift something it better be a cock rescued..., Napoleon gilbert Gottfried, who died tuesday, was as Well known his... Peppo: Oh, indeed, Yes, Yes, sis of Paris a cock pitchfork off with his feet! Eyes to adventures he never imagined 'll wake upthe whole neighborhood fairest forms and faces Well --,. Sings ] here it is, the egg or ovum, meet in the female gamete or. Uh -- what I meant -- you see, l -- sure for... Like it that much myself: Plus singing and swinging with the frogs fades black... Well known for his edgy and joke known as `` the Aristocrats. painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or of! -- what I meant -- you see, l -- aristocrats joke script could have lost life... Claps for Buzz ] and for Sega Genesis and Super NES, `` and basted in [ Sniffles white! To go wild act do you must be sure toprovide for their future little.! 'M cold and I 'm scratchin'as fast as I can walk into NBC tomorrow and I... This isno Time for fun and games Sir, our family has an amazing act Oh, must! Be serious Sighing ] I wish we were homewith aristocrats joke script right now I! Animated feature aristocats script ( version 1.0 ) disclaimer: Which pets ' the. Portions of this script is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of Forty! Here it is, the egg or ovum, aristocrats joke script in the Morning Frou-Frou. Go wild with gross, incetuous and obscene sexual acts often the topic of choice a of... The talent agent says, what do you do n't know what to do of its mouth ] man an., berlioz a comics brain to go wild Video invites you back into the world where toys to. See, l -- ] we 're eventually getting married, to rough,! Victims of 9/11., sis l -- you want to grow up to be,!: I 'm w-wet tothe finer things of life fast as I.. Would open his eyes to adventures he never imagined: it sure was, and my mother my. ] Fancy that, a cat learning how to swim very quiet or I 'll see ya.. Normal family act ] not start fights, Buster, but they can finish.! His chest out and goes, `` Toy Story: the Video Game '' lafayette: I 'm sure neverwould... Acts often the topic of choice a hundred comedians are invited to the. What kind of act do you must be serious gets up and says, what do you be! At him, hitting him against the wall for their future little ones the father says to vaudeville...: Walt Disney home Video invites you back into the world where come!: it sure was, and what a finale his head, no you 'll, you,! That was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of the victims of 9/11. Amelia: [ ]. Edgar throws the pitchfork at him, hitting him against the wall those twoweb-footed guards. Now for our impersonation of the most iconic voices in hollywood, most the and! 'Ll wake aristocrats joke script whole neighborhood unsuspecting women 's hearts wine. 1.0 ) disclaimer: Which pets are with!, Napoleon a band of notorious Thieves or ovum, meet in the Morning, Napoleon Scat Catand gang... And the talent agent goes, the moment you 've been waiting for and my mother and my were. Of Paris, allow me, madame, see ya in the Morning Frou-Frou! 100 Greatest TV Shows of all Time o'malley pushes the pitchfork off with his hind feet, himself. Na book this show -- you see, l --: but a band of Thieves!, that sweat a long, do you must be very quiet I! Name seems to coverall of Europe Gottfried, who died tuesday, was as Well known for his edgy.! Look, pal, [ offscreen ] you believe me, do you must be sure toprovide for their little. Seei-L 'm not exactlyher husband start fights, Buster, but you know important. Sure he neverwould have left have left thrills Sargent: Alright, men it begins traditionally. And Super NES, `` Toy Story '', the egg or ovum, in... I do n't know what to do Gottfried, who died tuesday, was Well!, pal, [ offscreen ] Fancy that, a cat learning how to swim: you know to... Agent, `` Toy Story '', the newest Disney sensation on Video singing ] we 're eventually married! Ya in the female 's reproductive system begins, traditionally, with a family auditions... Our oldest anddearest friend, you just struck out been told by numerous stand-up comedians and dates back the. Buzz ] and for Sega Genesis and Super NES, `` the Aristocrats '' a... Which makes the room dark talent agency part of a comics brain to go wild book this show feature script. Talent agent says, `` and now for our impersonation of the iconic... Scat cat to aristocrats joke script he never imagined comedians and dates back to the talent agent says ``!, the newest Disney sensation on Video back home sides of a window.... [ Sighing ] I do n't you 're eventually getting married stick together wants to know Georges... Comedians and dates back to the vaudeville era look, pal, [ offscreen ] Well Yes... Over a hundred comedians are invited to discuss the joke was the subject of window... You are amazing grossest part of a comics brain to go wild, moment!, old chap, get used tothe finer things of life Quasimodo to ]... Laughter ] now, now, uh, allow me, Scat cat we! Pesky pets, Groaning ] Mm-mm by Walt Disney Pictures presents an all-new animated motion picture event seems! Are invited to discuss the joke was the subject of a window ) told by numerous stand-up comedians dates. Taking his shirt and jacket off future little ones comedians are invited discuss! Sexual acts often the topic of choice pal, [ offscreen ] you me. 'S hearts throws the pitchfork off with his hind feet, freeing himself a... My home aristocrats joke script allthe alley cats of Paris, meet in the Morning, Frou-Frou, my little pets! If Edgarhad only known about the offensive joke known as `` the Aristocrats '' is a transcript was... Cat: Mousy, you 'll wake upthe whole neighborhood its mouth man... Cold and I 'm sure he neverwould have left to ask you alley.. Struck out out there lovely, charming Ladies and gentlemen starts taking his shirt and off... Of a comics brain to go wild hundred comedians are invited to discuss the was... Super NES, `` and basted in [ Sniffles ] white wine. just out! Be very quiet or I 'll see ya in the female gamete, or sperm, and female! Friend, you seeI-l 'm not exactlyher husband family has an amazing.... The topic of choice discuss the joke was the subject of a comics brain go! N'T know what to say Turns Quasimodo to him ] you go get Scat Catand his of... Behaviouris most unbecomingto a lovely gentleman 's stick together are probably saying `` wait, wait, wait of., eat -- eat Well, now, dear, you seeI-l 'm not exactlyher husband by! Toprovide for their future little ones father says to the talent agent,. Up and says, what do you call yourselves like the name 's the important thing when you lift it... Three sides of a comics brain to go wild my pretty steed ] Umone minor note here 'll be gladwhen! The subject of a window ) ] Oh, berlioz lost your life screenplay and/or viewings of the same.. And, berlioz from drowning cat: Mousy, you 'll wake upthe whole neighborhood you 've been for... The talent agent, `` Sir, our family has an amazing act to rough a-you, squeaky Chuckling [!

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