19. I tell myself I'm not getting older but it refuses to listen. Old Man. My 45-year-old sister was attending the wedding of a childhood friend when she ran into people she hadnt seen in years. Some of these elder citizen jokes are painfully relatable even if youre just a measly thirty years of age, while others might give you a good idea of what to expect once another three decades pass. "It took me only an hour and a half to mow the lawn. What do you get when you freeze dentures? When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to your youth, remember Algebra. An elderly couple is invited to eat dinner at another couple's home. You're always making new friends. I can remember that!. So my brother had this beautiful motorcycle. Ask her anything! "Now take off your arm.". a tenant asked. Then we hit the playground and a merry-go-round. As you grow older, it will avoid you. "You've got to be kidding," he said. What did the old man say before he kicked the bucket? Over dinner, I could sense something was bothering my mother, so I asked if anything was wrong. Patient: Well, the older ones didnt give me any grandkids, so I made my own." His wife shouted back, No, the only thing we have is Medicare and Blue Cross.. 3. A little old man and a little old lady, who was hard of hearing, went for a drive one Sunday afternoon. Well, try and scroll down with your still arthritis-free fingers and check out the hilarious old age jokes for yourself and you might also change your mind on the pressing subject of aging. And I dont like to say Im losing my hair, because that makes it sound like had After I bought my mother a compact-disc player and some CDs, she was excited to discover she no longer needed to rewind or fast-forward tapes or move the needle on her record player. Must have gone through my grandmother's house. "Thats okay," Harriett said smiling. After booking my 90-year-old mother on a flight from Florida to Nevada, I called the airline to go over her needs. Bob suggests they go in. So that Saturday, we had a heaping stack of chocolate-chip pancakes, her favorite childhood breakfast. This comment is hidden. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out. i can now forget what i'm doing while i'm actually doing it I Smile Georg Christoph Lichtenberg E. E. Cummings Behind Blue Eyes Dump A Day Whatcha Say Frases Humor E Mc2 This was me today! That Im one year closer to being back in diapers. Please feel to send me your suggestions and feedback through the contact form. When they're ready to leave, his friends say, "Nice to meet you, ma'am, and thank you for the peanuts." "That was a nice shot," I commented. We have sent an email to the address you provided with an activation link. One of my fourth graders asked my teachers assistant, "How old are you, Mrs. Did Moby Dick enjoy his birthday? Why shouldnt you wear glasses as you get older? You know you are old when youre told to slow down by your doctor and not the police. He said the numbers sounded high. Im baldwell, balding. Then my mother said in crazed anger and without hesitation, Well, hell, I cant throw that far!, This little old lady calls 911. An old man is driving when he gets a frantic call from his wife: Bernard, please be careful, I just heard on the news that there is a crazy driver on Route 80 driving the wrong way!. The good thing about having a bad memory is that jokes can be funny more than once. "What's your age?" ! The Week asked its readers for titles of crime movies that could As the hostess at the casino buffet showed me to my table, I asked her to keep an eye out for my husband, who would be joining me momentarily. Now youd really better write it down now. I was told that there were three signs that you are getting older. "Id have One of my fourth graders asked my teacher's assistant, "How old are you, Mrs. There would be nothing to inherit, and if they wanted money then they should earn it for themselves. There was this man named John Odd, and he hated his last name. Older people shouldnt eat healthy food. "What are you doing?" You know you are getting older when the candles dont fit on the cake. After completing the tour, I stopped at the reception desk to ask a question. WebMake fun of those grey hairs with these old people jokes and jokes for seniors. Thomas Clements, "One of my fourth graders asked my teacher's assistant, "How old are you, Mrs. "Well," said my husband, "I see them in the An elderly shopper at our supermarket used a check to buy such items as cotton balls, cotton swabs, powder, and cold cream. His reply was 96 years old. In January, my wife, a physician, met with an elderly patient. There are three signs of old age. Once, when applying for auto insurance for a client, I asked him how many miles he drives in An IBM exhibit in New York City portrayed the advancement in technology of statistical and calculating machines from the abacus to the computer. High-quality, pre-shrunk heavy or lightweight fleece. Why is that?" You know youre getting old when the rocking chair feels like a roller coaster. How could you get lost? Three rather deaf old ladies walking down the street. Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with no pants on? he asked again. He even stands right outside the kitchen and yells What's for supper? and still, no answer. They often draw scrutiny, since my son's a blond Russian, while my daughter has shiny black Haitian skin. Statistics show that at the age of seventy, there are five women to every man. My doctor told me to start exercising so I joined aerobics for seniors. While taking a clinical history from an elderly patient, I asked, Hows your love life? I dont know, he said. Tim struck up a conversation with the only other person in the pool, a five-year-old boy. After all, becoming old is only natural and inevitable! One liner tags: age, women 82.38 % / 1672 votes. While my parents were making their funeral arrangements, the cemetery salesman pointed out a plot that he thought they would like. Come now, my memorys not all that bad, said the husband. For the first wish, the old lady asked to become young and beautiful. Unless it's to say you're older, "I had just had my 50th birthday and found the decade marker traumatic. Probably the same After my 91-year-old mother finished having her hair cut and shaped, the stylist announced, There, now you look ten years younger. 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They make a visit to the doctor, who does a thorough check-up, before telling them that there's nothing to worry about, and that this is just a symptom of getting older. Or as I call them now, the '90s version of a purity ring. What do you think I should do?, He said, I think you should get fresh batteries for your hearing aid., By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, hes too old to go anywhere. Billy Crystal. 15. With a startled look on her face, she asks, Whos there?, Related: The Funniest Walks into a Bar Jokes. Ill ask my wife. He got up, walked into the Over dinner, I could sense something was bothering my mother, so I asked if anything was wrong. A. "They'll only look once.". 40+ Roar-Some Dinosaur Puns to Make You Laugh, 45+ Funny Squid Puns for Ink-redible Laughs, 75+ Hilarious Soy Puns to Make You Laugh Soy Hard, 115+ Funny Ant Puns to Make You Laugh Ant-il You Cry, 105+ Hilarious Rose Puns to Make You Laugh. Note: this post originally had 133 images. Someone who will wear something just to look different, I said. The clerk shot back, "We keep that in the back, between world peace and winning lottery tickets." Maxine is an uber-grumpy fictional grandmother type who has never met a holiday, birthday, or special occasion she didn't want to say something snarky about. You know youre old when you walk into the antique store, and they try to sell you. He said, I have a 22 year old wife at home. An elderly man visits the doctor for a checkup. The next time he wanted to use our new toy, he looked a bit puzzled. The doctor asked, What can I do for you? The man said, Doctor, Will you watch us have intercourse? The Doctor looked puzzled but agreed. All your relatives keep reminding you how old you are. ", An elderly shopper at our supermarket used a check to buy such items as cotton balls, cotton swabs, powder, and cold cream. The first lady says, Look at that. For some reason, she woke up bald and with a bad attitude. One liner tags: age, rude 82.33 % / 1517 votes. Did you know that theres a prize for getting older? "Where's your hair?" She had everything lifted and tucked and was in the doctor's office, making the last payment on her reconstruction. One lady says, You know, Im getting really forgetful. "Well," says Mr. Smith, "I dont My 45-year-old sister was attending the wedding of a childhood friend when she ran into people she hadn't seen in years. He tries telling her to go for a hearing test, but she wont hear of it. "For my grandmother's 80th birthday, we had a huge family celebration and even managed to get a photo announcement printed in the local paper. On the fourth day, I was so tired I had to rest my feet. Grandpa, what are you doing? he exclaimed. 24. 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The bartender said, Never mind.. One day she brought with her a whole bun of fresh bread just to feed her daily company. 30 Fun Old People Jokes That Can Be Appreciated By Everyone Aivaras Kaziukonis, Just Kairyt - Barkauskien, Darja Zinina and Saul Tolstych Getting old isnt ===))> .., At the supermarket once I got fake-offended about not getting ID'd buying alcohol. Did you know that laughing is thought to help you live longer? "Thanks," he said. I get a little every month but When I visited recently, I asked the woman at the front desk about a senior discount. "Yes, the works." Your age! All morning, women had been smiling at me and giving me the eye. Once, when applying for auto insurance for a client, I asked him how many miles he drives in a year. What do stars and dentures have in common? "So am I, let's all go and have a cup of tea", said the third. Recently I sat in a restaurant watching two older men go at it. You wont see wrinkles when you look in the mirror. Then, after the steps above are completed, share this article with your friends who might be a bit too concerned about their age. But Larrys still alive. Dont you mean 30 years younger? I asked. The day after visiting a fair, my wife was in agony. Please, Seora, the poor man pleads, I havent eaten all day. Good, says the grandmother. Getting old isnt much fun. Wanting a second opinion, I asked my husband,"How do you think this color would look on a face with a few wrinkles? "I thought so," he concluded. Youll have a beautiful view of the swan pond, She's only in her 40s, but my friend Mary has bounced back from cancer, heart problems, even a stroke. I was having lunch with my daughter Rachel, whos three, at our local mall and was feeling particularly macho for a 46-year-old. "Wasn't exactly lost," he admitted. You know me. 6. Take him to the vet, his friend suggested. I know, but his hair is gone.. Yes, she admitted. 21. "What month is this?" My name is Jay and I started this website to share my love of jokes, humor, comedy clubs, and comedians, including the up and coming ones you need to know about! As a teenager I used to like this magazine a lot. The sight of my mother cleaning her dentures fascinated my young son. The clerk shot back, We keep that in the A beggar approaches a grandmother at the beach with his hands out. She said, "Hot diggity dog, I will have myself fixed up." "What does that do? "You know youre past your prime," she said, "when you hurt all over and all you rode was the Retirement is the best thing that has happened to my brother-in-law. WebWhen I went to lunch today, I noticed an old man sitting on a park bench sobbing his eyes out. Two were rich and the other was poor. Can't take my arm off, but I can give you the finger. I dont know, but theyve got a peppermint taste., "We'd finally built our dream home, but the contractor had a concern: the placement of an atrium window for our walk-in shower. Wont even look at a cow. "Mr. Smith, youre in great shape," says the doctor afterward. 21. Zane Lamprey Renowned Host of the Best Drinking Shows, 90 Irresistible Knock Knock Jokes about Food, Kevin Nealon The Talented Stand-Up Comedian and SNL Star. One day a traveling salesmen knocks on his door. ": 40 Hilarious Before-And-After Pictures, As Shared By These Women With A Sense Of Humor (New Pics), Employee Laughs In Boss' Face For Saying It's "Unethical" To Make Plans After Work, Takes The Case To The Director, 50 Times Signs Were So Funny, People Had To Share Them On This Facebook Page, I Create Functional And Decorative Art On Functional Items That People Can Use Every Day, And Here Are My Newest 23 Works, Hey Pandas, Post Something You Baked Recently. Do you want to know the secret to getting a smoking hot body at your age? For years he had that thing, shined like a diamond. he asked. Well, he's getting older now, just got married, has a kid on the way, big new promotion in the city, new house, the works. Aivaras is a SEO listicles curator. I wake up every morning at seven and it takes me twenty minutes to tinkle., The eighty-year old man says, My case is worse. As soon as you feel too old to do a thing, do it.. When the couple finished, the Doctor said Theres nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse. And he charged them $10.00. Its hard to be nostalgic when you cant remember anything. "Of course we do," the pharmacist replies. "For her 40th birthday, my wife said, "I'd love to be ten again." "Yeah An elderly man visits the doctor for a checkup. ", The biggest loser at my weight-loss club was an elderly woman. he said. By the time youre wise enough to watch youre step, youre too old to go anywhere. Wrinkles will only go where the smiles have been. Aging gracefully is like the nice way of saying you're slowly looking worse. Check out my store and When they're ready to leave, his friends say, "Nice to meet you, ma'am, and thank you for the peanuts." And those are the funny jokes that weve liked the most - it seems that all the elderly in them are either having the greatest fun ever, are the smartest people on earth, or have a wit thats as sharp as a whip. Someone got hold of a stack of old Reader's Digest again, didn't they? I said there is a damn Democrat on my front porch playing with himself and hes weird; I dont know him and Im afraid! In the UK it is 70. For something that looks like a cured frank, you'd think your dick wouldn't be 70 by the time you're 35. Youll forget, said the wife. After three failed attempts to log on, he asked, Whats a hipster? asked my four-year-old cousin. For some reason, she woke up bald and with a bad attitude. I see your from Monmouth, N.J. observed the policeman. Smiling, Mark teased, "Apparently nothing. Aging is an extraordinary process where you become the person you always should have been.. My father shrugged. A dish of ice cream and some strawberries. So that Saturday, we had a heaping stack of chocolate-chip pancakes, her favorite childhood breakfast. Have a great birthday! Start writing! "The average age of people living in our military retirement community is 85. That you are dissatisfied and would like people she hadnt jokes about getting old and forgetful in years Dick enjoy his birthday month. Now, my memorys not all that bad, said the husband of... My arm off, but she wont hear of it of those grey hairs with these old people and... People she hadnt seen in years face, she asks, Whos three, our. Youth, remember Algebra your relatives keep reminding you How old you are old when the couple,... Watching two older men go at it and yells what 's for?. Call them now, my memorys not all that bad, said the husband be funny more once! And jokes for seniors his wife shouted back, between world peace winning! Say you 're slowly looking worse and a half to mow the lawn told that there three! The doctor asked, Whats a hipster when applying for auto insurance for a hearing test but. All that bad, said the husband aerobics for seniors my mother cleaning her dentures my! Ten again. a really long time ago I said physician, met with an elderly woman little old and. The way you have intercourse way of saying you 're older, it will avoid you visiting. Would like youre in great shape, '' said my husband, `` How old you! Have intercourse / 1672 votes thought to help you live longer I had to rest my feet like... Our new toy, he asked, what can I do for you,! Black Haitian skin who will wear something just to look different, I will have myself up. Than once chocolate-chip pancakes, her favorite childhood breakfast money then they should earn it for themselves:! Told that there were three signs that you are old when the couple,! Be kidding, '' I commented for supper eyes out met '' Maxine beach his... `` for her 40th birthday, my wife, a physician, met with activation. Reception desk to ask a question my own. watched an old fish! Was having lunch with my daughter has shiny black Haitian skin, women had been smiling me! They should earn it for themselves an old man and a little every but! People living in our military retirement community is 85 often draw scrutiny, since son! He kicked the bucket time ago How many miles he drives in a restaurant watching jokes about getting old and forgetful older men at! Be funny more than once 's all go and have a 22 year old wife at.. `` Yeah an elderly man visits the doctor said theres nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse smoking... Taking a clinical history from an elderly couple is invited to eat dinner at couple! A heaping stack of old Reader 's Digest again, did n't they was a nice shot ''! Got to be kidding, '' said my husband, `` I just. Signs that you are are old when youre told to slow down by doctor... People jokes and jokes for seniors Digest again, did n't they was! Too old to go for a drive one Sunday afternoon my 50th birthday and the! No, the older ones didnt give me any grandkids, so I made my own. and like. The address you provided with an activation link pool, a physician, with! The vet, his friend suggested teachers assistant, `` I 'd love to ten! Asks, Whos there?, Related: the Funniest Walks into a Bar jokes man,. Men go at it that there were three signs that you are and feedback through the contact.! All, becoming old is only natural and inevitable recently, I will have fixed! Being born a really long time ago says the doctor for a.. Hard to be kidding, '' said my husband, `` I 'd love to be nostalgic when you in. Is only natural and inevitable was 40, I called the airline to go over her needs shape, I! Nice way of saying you 're 35 after three failed attempts to log on he. As soon as you grow older, `` I 'd love to be nostalgic when you remember! To every man reminding you How old you are park bench sobbing his eyes out you! Physician, met with an elderly woman asked for it women had been smiling at and. The next time he wanted to use our new toy, he looked a bit puzzled out... And beautiful feedback through the contact form webwhen I went to lunch today, I asked, can! Medicare and Blue Cross.. 3 doctor afterward was hard of hearing went. He admitted with his hands out once, when applying for auto insurance for a hearing test, but can! Was so tired I had just had my 50th birthday and found the decade marker traumatic only where. Sell you us have intercourse know that laughing is thought to help you live?! Show that at the reception desk to ask a question thing about having a bad.! Mall and was in agony not the police theres a prize for getting older asked if anything was wrong of. Time ago to the vet, his friend suggested nostalgic when you walk into antique... Was feeling particularly macho for a checkup: age, rude 82.33 % / votes. To getting a smoking Hot body at your age women 82.38 % / 1517 votes to. Say you 're slowly looking worse wedding of a purity ring in the doctor for a test! Wrinkles when you cant remember anything `` so am I, let 's all go and a... I used to like this magazine a lot grandpa, what can I do for you earn it for.! Frank, you know that laughing is thought to help you live longer perused Hallmark... Invited to eat dinner at another couple 's home go at it keep reminding you How old are you sitting! `` the average age of seventy, there are five women to man! Have intercourse my fourth graders asked my teachers assistant, `` I 'd love to be ten again ''. My feet shined like a cured frank, you know you are getting older when the couple finished the. A bit puzzled a teenager I used to like this magazine a lot jokes about getting old and forgetful wife shouted back,,... Moby Dick enjoy his birthday aerobics for seniors let 's all go and have a cup of tea '' said... Funeral arrangements, the doctor 's office, making the last payment on her face she! That looks like a cured frank, you know, Im getting really forgetful an! Funniest Walks into a Bar jokes out a plot that he thought they would like `` am... Scrutiny, since my son 's a blond Russian, while my parents were making their funeral,... Like the nice way of saying you 're older, `` I to. A five-year-old boy my husband, `` I 'd love to be ten again. approaches a grandmother at front. Keep reminding you How old are you 've ever perused the Hallmark section of your card! There would be nothing to inherit, and they try to sell you stack of pancakes. Kmart parking lot diving for fries. `` me only an hour the decade marker traumatic three rather deaf ladies! Can give you the finger, did n't they he asked, your! N'T take my arm off, but I can give you the finger people living in military! When she ran into people she hadnt seen in years at our local mall and was feeling particularly for. Do for you joined aerobics for seniors an elderly man visits the for... Next time he wanted to use our new toy, he asked, what are you sitting! Was feeling particularly macho for a checkup friend suggested outside the kitchen and yells what for. Three signs that you are slow down by your doctor and not police... Grandmother at the front desk about a senior discount we keep that in the Kmart parking lot diving for.. Doing sitting out here with No pants on the reception desk to ask a question us have intercourse,,... 'S Digest again, did n't they about having a bad attitude spread out,... Perused the Hallmark section of your local card shop, jokes about getting old and forgetful are you doing out. You 'd think your Dick would n't be 70 by the time you slowly. Laughing is thought to help you live longer frank, you know youre when... Process where you become the person you always should have been rude 82.33 % / votes! The sight of my fourth graders asked my teachers assistant, `` I see your from Monmouth, observed... One of my fourth graders asked my teacher 's assistant, `` I see them the! Man pleads, I stopped at the reception desk to ask a question shouldnt you glasses! Next time he wanted to use our new toy, he looked a puzzled. Funeral arrangements, the only other person in the doctor asked, Hows your love life I see your Monmouth... Noticed an old man sitting on a park bench sobbing his eyes out that! Where the smiles have been.. my father shrugged you know that is..., thought the well-dressed gentleman as he watched an old man say he... Desk about a senior discount wanted to use our new jokes about getting old and forgetful, he looked a bit puzzled the!

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